The Grey Times

This column is about those grey times of life. A certain sadness probably occasionally hits all of us. I am not talking about a clinical depression marking a mental illness, or the depressed phase on a psychotic mood-swing. I am rather referring to those dark episodes that arise for a few days and then gradually fade away.

There are the more serious painful grief-filled moments following the death of a loved one. Often family members have implored the dying to hang on just a little longer. But death has had the last word and the dying had really wanted it all to end. On a number of occasions, with the family’s permission, as a pastor I have called the dying by name, held their hands and said. “Mary, it’s all right for you to go. Rest in peace.” Yet no matter how peaceful the death, there is the inevitable depression that settles on those who are left.

Many new mothers experience what has been called the post-partum blues. Who can explain why the joy that accompanies this miracle is often accompanied by an unexplained sadness? These down days are more common among new mothers than we might imagine.

I have heard politicians say that after some hard-fought victory, they have been overcome by a certain dark spirit. Actors having completed the last performance of a play, or authors having put the final period on a book, or athletes the day after some victory or record-breaking event, all may have been hit by a down time. Most of us find ourselves occasionally smothered by some unidentified emotional cloud not knowing from whence it has come.

One of the other down times for persons who have not normally been depressed, comes in the days after Christmas. Perhaps it has been the sudden stop after going at breakneck speed. For others it has been facing the loss of someone who was no longer at the family table. Or perhaps it was after returning from an unsuccessful troubled family visit. Or it could be some other hearing of bad news. The reasons for this letdown are complex and varied. Nevertheless this darkness is more common than we might assume.

I have no wisdom about what for you may be the best ways to emerge from these somber episodes. But here are just a few suggestion that I have found helpful in confronting the post-Christmas blues that might offer clues for dealing with other down times.

The best answer I have found may be a purposeful cooling off gathering, a “quieting party” of neighbors and friends without heavy food or alcohol, where those who gather are invited to share their feelings in the safety of others they trust. These quieting gatherings just might provide a helpful transition back to the everyday world. Nobody says, “cheer up” which may the worst possible advice, or repeats beyond the room what' has been said.

Perhaps the best remedy for the post-Christmas blues—or any dark episode—is to put into action what the manger child asks: to support the poor, to make a sizeable contribution to the homeless or those ravaged by California’s fires, to volunteer in some agency that feeds the left-out, to spend time at the border, to visit a prison and work with recent ex-prisoners, to become involved in public issues calling for justice, to use your wisdom to support the efforts to end bigotry and racism, to welcome a stranger or a refugee---to offer a kind word and a helping hand---in short, any act of graciousness that gets you out of your chair and away from the smothering that may come with the post-Christmas blue fog.

Why not find someone who is a great listener and get what you are feeling out in the open where both of you can see it.

Try just sitting quietly with calming music, a gentle book, and the sacred images of those, living and gone, who have blessed your life. What you have found helpful might not flow from any of these suggestions, but who knows what may be just the right bit of support for someone who needs friendship, not advice or judgment.